I've always thought of myself as a nice, kind, good person, and a great friend. I've always gone out of my way to make sure that people know that I like them for who they are, not for what they have. And to make sure that they knew it when ever I visited I always made sure that I paid for everything...just because I never wanted anyone to feel used. It never, ever occurred to me that by doing this I was opening the door for people to just use me. It never once thought that the reason people invited me over to hang out or to go do something was because they knew that Jennifer Moneybags would make sure that everyone had a good time. I truly thought that it was because they liked me.
So it sucks for me to finally admit that my old friend Corrina was right when she said that some people 'mistake kindness for weakness and they will use it against you'. Now that Ive officially become broke ass Jennifer the list of contacts in my phone is drying up. A while ago I started going through my phonebook and deleting everyone who hasn't contacted me in the last few months. I've also deleted everyone who promises to call me back, is never around when I need a favor, or who only reaches out to me when they need something. I've literally edited 90% of the people I once considered friends. But other than greatly reducing the number of minutes I use each month on my phone it hasn't done a damn thing to make me feel better. In fact, I feel really shitty about everything. Basically, I was paying people to be my friend. I mean how lame is that? And to top it off my all ready low self esteem has plummeted to depths that I didn't even know existed. I've opened up a huge emotional can of worms that I'm struggling with. I don't know who I am anymore. And worse than that is not knowing how to use this as a growing experience and let it shape me into a better person when I thought all along that I was a good person. I'm constantly wondering whats wrong with me. Am I so horrible of a person that it was only tolerable to around if I was picking up the Tab? If so, then what do I do to become a better person...and if not, then what WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
