Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Friendster. With all of these social networking sites, where do real life friendships fit in?
A few days from now I'll be 35 years old and I can count the number of real life friends that I have on one hand-minus the thumb. But if you ask me how many Internet friends I have and the number doubles, maybe even triples. How did this happen? Is it normal?
I guess my problem is that I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything..so theoretically, its impossible for me to meet people. Once in a while I'll meet someone at work who becomes a friend...but how long do those friendships last? Until someone changes jobs and you don't have quite as many things in common.
Now online..its different. Nobody cares what you look like or what you do for a living. People are friendly and chatty and it's easy to get attached. I talk to the same people every day and its hard for me to not consider them friends. But are they really?
I can only speak for myself, but I'm finding that the Internet is becoming a crutch. It allows me to be in my own little world, yet not be lonely. But there is a downside to this and its a biggie. It's called human interaction. So, I've come to the conclusion that I need to put myself out there. I need to become public again, and I need to make some real friends.
I'm afraid of making a fool of myself but I'm far more afraid of being alone. So thats it...operation make new friends has begun!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
How High is too High?
Yesterday was Fathers Day and it should have been a relatively quiet Sunday. My dad is out of town visiting my sister in Texas, so I was home alone. The night before Alejandro had spent the night, and in the morning he took me out to breakfast. It was not something that we usually do, and it was so nice. After I came home I did a little laundry and then decided to take a nap before cleaning the house.
After my nap I start cleaning my room, beginning by taking the sheets off my bed so I could throw them in the washer. And this is where my nice, quiet, first day of summer came to screeching to a halt. There at the end of my bed was a tiny little plastic baggie. When I saw it my heart sank, because I knew instantly what it was, and who it belonged to.
Inside that little piece of plastic was cocaine. Not a lot, but it was what it was. I called Alejandro and asked him if he forgot anything at my house, and he said no. I asked him three more times, and gave him all the opportunity in the world to man up, but he didn't. Finally, I told him what I found and the phone went silent. All he could say was that yes, it was his..but he doesn't do it all the time. At that point, all I was thinking was this: it's over.
I know I say all the time that me and Alejandro are breaking up, and I think that usually I'm lying to myself, rather than to you all. But this is different. So very, heart breakingly different.
See, years ago, before Alejandro and I started dating, I was dating a guy named Alberto. Alberto and I were together for 5 years and during that time I watched him go from a caring, hard working man to a lying, thieving, self centered drug addict. For 3 years I thought I could "fix" him..I thought I could "change" him. But in reality, the only person I changed was myself. And once I finally realized that the man I was in love with no longer existed I left, and I swore to myself that I would never again date anyone who did drugs. I don't buy into the theory that someone can do drugs recreationally...because there is not one single drug addict anywhere who's childhood dream was to become addicted. What happens is that drugs slowly take over your life..and you lose control.
I guess when I ask the question, how high is too high, the answer is simple. Any high is too high. And when you couple it with the fact that he brought that drug into my fathers house, well then, its a no brainer. So as I stood over the toilet flushing away Alejandro's tiny little sack of drugs it struck me as ironic...because as I watched it go down the drain, I realized that my relationship had gone with it.
After my nap I start cleaning my room, beginning by taking the sheets off my bed so I could throw them in the washer. And this is where my nice, quiet, first day of summer came to screeching to a halt. There at the end of my bed was a tiny little plastic baggie. When I saw it my heart sank, because I knew instantly what it was, and who it belonged to.
Inside that little piece of plastic was cocaine. Not a lot, but it was what it was. I called Alejandro and asked him if he forgot anything at my house, and he said no. I asked him three more times, and gave him all the opportunity in the world to man up, but he didn't. Finally, I told him what I found and the phone went silent. All he could say was that yes, it was his..but he doesn't do it all the time. At that point, all I was thinking was this: it's over.
I know I say all the time that me and Alejandro are breaking up, and I think that usually I'm lying to myself, rather than to you all. But this is different. So very, heart breakingly different.
See, years ago, before Alejandro and I started dating, I was dating a guy named Alberto. Alberto and I were together for 5 years and during that time I watched him go from a caring, hard working man to a lying, thieving, self centered drug addict. For 3 years I thought I could "fix" him..I thought I could "change" him. But in reality, the only person I changed was myself. And once I finally realized that the man I was in love with no longer existed I left, and I swore to myself that I would never again date anyone who did drugs. I don't buy into the theory that someone can do drugs recreationally...because there is not one single drug addict anywhere who's childhood dream was to become addicted. What happens is that drugs slowly take over your life..and you lose control.
I guess when I ask the question, how high is too high, the answer is simple. Any high is too high. And when you couple it with the fact that he brought that drug into my fathers house, well then, its a no brainer. So as I stood over the toilet flushing away Alejandro's tiny little sack of drugs it struck me as ironic...because as I watched it go down the drain, I realized that my relationship had gone with it.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Catching some Zzzzzzz's
So, for several months now I've been suffering from bouts of insomnia. I can remember very specifically when it first started...it was the first day of my vacation in Texas. It was the beginning of March and I went to go visit my sister and her girlie's. I didnt sleep for the first 3 days that I was there. I may have dozed off here and there for 15 minutes or so, but for the most part I was wide awake. Well, on day one I was. But by day 3 I was feeling zombie like and it totally began affecting my attitude. This led to a big blow up with my sister on day 4, which Im sure was totally my fault. Thankfully, physical and mental exhaustion finally kicked in and I was able to sleep. After that, it seemed like I was okay for a week or so, but once I got home it started all over again. Although Im not sure it was technically insomnia since I was able to get 2-3 hours of sleep pretty much every night.
On a whim I looked on webmd to see if there were any recommendations for getting a good nights sleep. They recommended avoiding caffeine and not eating after 6pm..but the main thing that caught my eye was the information on depression. According to the article that I read, depression is one of the leading causes of sleep related issues.
I pretty much forgot about that once my sleep patterns began to become normal again. Until a few weeks ago. I think it started when my dad went to Washington to visit family. The only reason why I think it might have affected me is because I was alone. The few nights Alejandro stayed here with me helped..but when he was gone-hello insomnia! Yet even after my dad came home my sleep wasnt normal..I'm either up all night, maybe getting one or two hours of sleep or Im up all night and so tired during the day that I end up just laying around. There are times when I feel tired, but it seems like if I dont go to bed and shut off the tv right when I begin getting tired, the feeling seems to pass and I end up wide awake again.
When I was younger-oh hell, even 6 months ago, it was fun to stay up all night partying or hanging out. But being home in my comfy bed and not being able to sleep is not fun to me..and its really beginning to affect my health. Im sure its one of the reasons I seem to gain weight, I eat at all hours of the day, and then Im to tired to workout--even on the days when I actually want to. Plus, its messing up my emotional state as well. Im starting to have very high highs and very low lows-almost manic. I tried to talk to my doctor about it last week, but I was informed that in the managed health care system, she is only allotted 15 minutes with each patient...and she wanted me to make another appointment. Well, that's fine and dandy..but what am I supposed to do in the mean time?
Anyways, that's whats happening in my life right now. Nothing exciting, or even interesting. I'd love to hear some ideas on overcoming sleep issues, if anyone has any. But right now it's 2:16am and Im going to try to get some Zzzzzzzzzzz's.
On a whim I looked on webmd to see if there were any recommendations for getting a good nights sleep. They recommended avoiding caffeine and not eating after 6pm..but the main thing that caught my eye was the information on depression. According to the article that I read, depression is one of the leading causes of sleep related issues.
I pretty much forgot about that once my sleep patterns began to become normal again. Until a few weeks ago. I think it started when my dad went to Washington to visit family. The only reason why I think it might have affected me is because I was alone. The few nights Alejandro stayed here with me helped..but when he was gone-hello insomnia! Yet even after my dad came home my sleep wasnt normal..I'm either up all night, maybe getting one or two hours of sleep or Im up all night and so tired during the day that I end up just laying around. There are times when I feel tired, but it seems like if I dont go to bed and shut off the tv right when I begin getting tired, the feeling seems to pass and I end up wide awake again.
When I was younger-oh hell, even 6 months ago, it was fun to stay up all night partying or hanging out. But being home in my comfy bed and not being able to sleep is not fun to me..and its really beginning to affect my health. Im sure its one of the reasons I seem to gain weight, I eat at all hours of the day, and then Im to tired to workout--even on the days when I actually want to. Plus, its messing up my emotional state as well. Im starting to have very high highs and very low lows-almost manic. I tried to talk to my doctor about it last week, but I was informed that in the managed health care system, she is only allotted 15 minutes with each patient...and she wanted me to make another appointment. Well, that's fine and dandy..but what am I supposed to do in the mean time?
Anyways, that's whats happening in my life right now. Nothing exciting, or even interesting. I'd love to hear some ideas on overcoming sleep issues, if anyone has any. But right now it's 2:16am and Im going to try to get some Zzzzzzzzzzz's.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Nervous Nelly
Nervous Nelly, thats me.
So, in 12 days Im going back to my home state of Washington for the first time in 12 years. Im super excited, but super nervous at the same time. 12 years is a long time to be gone from friends and family.
Im worried about what they're going to think of me and about me. I mean, I dont really have anything to show for my absence, except about 60 pounds. I dont have a great career, Im not married, and I dont have any children. In a way, Im worried that they might think that Im the big loser of the family--the black sheep.
Im wondering if I should make up some great story...should I give myself some great job with an important title? Should I invent a super wonderful, super romantic finance? Or should I go with the truth...yes, Im 35. No, I've never been married, no I dont have kids, oh, and Im unemployed. I think not! The truth sucks monkey balls!!
But at the same time, I dont want to have to lie about my life. Even though my life may not be perfect, it's still MY LIFE! So how about this-Yes, Im 35, No-I havent been married, but I've been in a long term relationship for the past 3 years...no kids yet, I want to own my own home first. Oh, my profession you ask? Well, I was laid off from my sales job in February-and it's a tough job market. It's basically all the truth, just phrased a little bit nicer.
So, I guess that's it. Ive decided to tell the truth. I might not be 100% comfortable in my own skin, but Im not going to lie about who I am, just to make people like me. One thing Ive learned about myself is this: No one is going to love me unless I love myself. And if my FRIENDS and FAMILY cant love me-or at least accept me, for the person I am..then it's their loss.
Im still nervous about going home, but Im super excited about seeing everyone. Like I said, 12 years is a long time!
So, in 12 days Im going back to my home state of Washington for the first time in 12 years. Im super excited, but super nervous at the same time. 12 years is a long time to be gone from friends and family.
Im worried about what they're going to think of me and about me. I mean, I dont really have anything to show for my absence, except about 60 pounds. I dont have a great career, Im not married, and I dont have any children. In a way, Im worried that they might think that Im the big loser of the family--the black sheep.
Im wondering if I should make up some great story...should I give myself some great job with an important title? Should I invent a super wonderful, super romantic finance? Or should I go with the truth...yes, Im 35. No, I've never been married, no I dont have kids, oh, and Im unemployed. I think not! The truth sucks monkey balls!!
But at the same time, I dont want to have to lie about my life. Even though my life may not be perfect, it's still MY LIFE! So how about this-Yes, Im 35, No-I havent been married, but I've been in a long term relationship for the past 3 years...no kids yet, I want to own my own home first. Oh, my profession you ask? Well, I was laid off from my sales job in February-and it's a tough job market. It's basically all the truth, just phrased a little bit nicer.
So, I guess that's it. Ive decided to tell the truth. I might not be 100% comfortable in my own skin, but Im not going to lie about who I am, just to make people like me. One thing Ive learned about myself is this: No one is going to love me unless I love myself. And if my FRIENDS and FAMILY cant love me-or at least accept me, for the person I am..then it's their loss.
Im still nervous about going home, but Im super excited about seeing everyone. Like I said, 12 years is a long time!
Pretty Baubles!
So, its way early in the morning and Im not really sure why Im awake. Ok, really..it's not that early (its 6:30 am). ANYWAYS, since Im addicted to Twitter, one of the first things I did was log and and check out whats happening.
One of the updates that caught my eye immediately was one that said something like....she's red, she's hot and oh so charming! Obviously this peaked my interest and I clicked on the link. This took me to a great blog by Laughing Vixen Lounge (http://laughingvixenlounge.blogspot.com/), which then took me to her Esty store.
Right away I thought to myself, oh happy day! Her shop is filled with the cutest charm bracelets and pendant necklaces-with titles like-Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's Charm Bracelet and Vixen Goes to Paris Simple Charm Bracelet. Not only that, but you can also enter to win a pendant necklace or bubble bracelet of your choice..OMG- I hope I win!!I love, love, love this Esty store, and I love, love, love the Laughing Vixen Lounge!
So people, that is how my day began...bright and early and full of pretty baubles! **Let's hope the rest of my day is as great!**
One of the updates that caught my eye immediately was one that said something like....she's red, she's hot and oh so charming! Obviously this peaked my interest and I clicked on the link. This took me to a great blog by Laughing Vixen Lounge (http://laughingvixenlounge.blogspot.com/), which then took me to her Esty store.
Right away I thought to myself, oh happy day! Her shop is filled with the cutest charm bracelets and pendant necklaces-with titles like-Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's Charm Bracelet and Vixen Goes to Paris Simple Charm Bracelet. Not only that, but you can also enter to win a pendant necklace or bubble bracelet of your choice..OMG- I hope I win!!I love, love, love this Esty store, and I love, love, love the Laughing Vixen Lounge!
So people, that is how my day began...bright and early and full of pretty baubles! **Let's hope the rest of my day is as great!**
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Big Fat ME
Hmm...I think something is wrong with me psychologically. I mean, I drink alcohol, but I can control myself so that Im not an alcoholic. I have, in the past done drugs-but I chose to stop and never did them again. But when it comes to food, I just cant seem to control myself. I just shove food into my mouth--many times when Im not even hungry. I keep telling myself that Im on a diet, or that Im going on a diet, but when left alone to my own devices, I binge eat. I dont know what to do anymore. Im wondering if it is indeed something wrong in my head. Im thinking of talking to a psychologist or someone who specializes in eating disorders. I have got to do something. And I think its time for me to ask for help.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Hellloooooo
Wow!! Its been about a week since I last wrote and I do apologize. But it does leave me a whole lotta stuff to blog about. Lets start waaaayyy back on June 8th.
So, about two weeks ago, we had the dish network installed. Our installer was a big fat doofus. He had a shitty attitude and was beyond lazy. When told of our desire to have HD he flat out said no. So, we called the Dish Network and scheduled an upgrade for June 8. I prayed that it wasnt going to be the same guy because I was afraid that I might just kick his ass. Much to my delight we had a different guy- a much younger dude (23), but still big and fat. Anyways, long story short-I worked my magic on him and he asked for my number. The next day, June 9th we went out and it was fantastic. He took me to Dave and Busters and we had an amazing time. First great food-I had the chicken Cesar salad and a cape cod. Then we went upstairs to the game room where we battled it out and he ended up winning me a purple stuffed monkey. I named him Clyde. After gaming, since it was still pretty early, Cj took me to the drive in and we watched Angles and Demons. I had a fantastic time-I thought CJ was funny and nice and I hoped he would ask me out again.
On Wednesday, I was pretty down in the dumps. Thinking about my mom and all. So, I ended up going over to Alejandro's house-why Im not entirely sure. Just to make my self feel even shittier Im sure.
So Thursday was June 11th, and it was sooo hard for me. Exactly 3 years ago today my mom passed away. I tried to make myself sleep all day-and usually thats not to difficult. But much to my dismay it proved an impossible task. Cj-the cable guy, called me up about 4:30 and invited me over to watch movies. I guess I figured that laying around all day wasnt doing me any good, so I went. We started off by watching WipeOut-the 2 hour special that he dvr'd the night before. That show is hilarious-one day I want to be on it. Seriously. Anyways, after watching the show, we went to a Chinese Buffet and stuffed ourselves...so much for my diet! Then on the way back we stopped and rented MallCop. I stayed at his house for a couple hours watching the movie-it was funny, and talking some more before heading home. However, before I left he invited me to go to a going away party for his dad the next night. I guess his dad is moving to Alaska, lucky duck, and his family was getting together at a local bar. Anyone who knows me knows that I totally said yes. I was excited to go.
So Friday morning at 8am I had a doctor appointment. Basically it was to go over my blood work that I had done earlier in the week. (On Monday I had a well woman exam). After getting there at 7:30 for my appointment and waiting over half an hour to see my doctor, I was finally admitted into the exam room. There my nurse, who is actually pretty nice, took my bp and temperature and proceeds to tell me that the Dr herself wants to go over my results with me. Then, I waited another 45 minutes for Dr. Joshi!! Talk about freaking me out!!! Anyways, she comes in and tells me everything is fine-except my cholesterol level. Apparently its 291 and it should be around 150. Almost double. Oops, I guess here is where I should tell you that on the day of my original appointment I was supposed to fast 24 hours prior to the appointment. Well, thinking that I know everything and that the doctor wouldnt possibly know, I stopped at McDonalds on the way and had 2 sausage mcmuffins. Im 99.999% sure that this is what screwed up my results-but do I confess, no f'in way!!! So now I have to take a cholesterol medicine for 3 months. How stupid am I??? LOL!
So later on that day, Cj calls me and tells me to meet him at his house at 6pm. Then we would go together in his car to the bar. But then about 3ish, he calls and says he's in Gilbert and as soon as he gets home he'll call me to meet him. Well, about 7:00 Im pissed and Im like, you know what-fuck him. So I go over to my friend Kristina's house just to chill. Then around 7:30 Alejandro calls me and totally bitches me out for being over there! As if!! He can go over to his stupid pretend cousins house whenever he feels like it, but I cant go anywhere? I think not. Finally about 8:15 Cj calls and wants to know if I still want to go. I do and I dont, but since im super pissed at Alejandro and looking really cute, I end up going and we finally get to the bar around 9:30. Needless to say, everyone is already shit faced. We end up having a couple of drinks then going over to his aunts house and drinking some more. Maybe around midnight or so, we leave and go back to his house. Since Im kinda drunk at this point I stay the night. What a mistake that was. Even though Cj is smart enough to respect the fact that were not going to screw, it was still uncomfortable. And OMG-he snores louder than anyone Ive ever known--including myself. It was so awful. The next morning I left at 6:00 am.
Saturday I spent laying around, hoping that Cj would call me--but the only calls I got were from Alejandro talking shit to me. Even uglier shit than usual because he's shit faced, fall down drunk.
On Sunday I was awaken by my phone ringing off the hook and Alejandro even drunker than usual spewing more ugliness at me. Finally around 6 Cj texts me and hits me with this gem "hey babe-just thinkin of u. Sorry its not gonna work,u dont put out." Sweet!! I got dumped via text by a moron. Cool beans--not!
Feeling dejected and lonely, I decide to try once again to make things work with Alejandro. He called me at 5:30am Monday morning and we made plans to get together and talk that afternoon. He was also supposed to give me money for my cell phone bill. So, being the nice person that I am, I go over to his house around 2:00 and do his laundry. He normally gets home around 7, by 8:30 when he's not home yet I break down and call him. Basically he starts yelling at me telling me he'll be home soon, but in the background I can hear people and I know that he's at his stupid ass good for nothing pretend cousins house. And then I say to myself, "You know what Jennifer, you cant do this yourself. You cant make someone love you and you know that. Pick up your dignity and leave-and more importantly, dont look back."
So, now your up to date on my life. My diets completely off track-but Im trying to get it back on. Oh, Im going on vacation soon. Im leaving June 30th for Washington-length of vacation, unknown. Basically, as long as I want. Which on the advice of my very best friend-is a good thing. Im going to look at it as a chance to start over. Im not moving, but Im leaving Alejandro and all the other bums I know behind. Oh yeah, and Im changing my cell phone number so that I dont have to have anymore ugly phone calls from Alejandro.
Im excited. Im happy. And, Im ready to move on.
So, about two weeks ago, we had the dish network installed. Our installer was a big fat doofus. He had a shitty attitude and was beyond lazy. When told of our desire to have HD he flat out said no. So, we called the Dish Network and scheduled an upgrade for June 8. I prayed that it wasnt going to be the same guy because I was afraid that I might just kick his ass. Much to my delight we had a different guy- a much younger dude (23), but still big and fat. Anyways, long story short-I worked my magic on him and he asked for my number. The next day, June 9th we went out and it was fantastic. He took me to Dave and Busters and we had an amazing time. First great food-I had the chicken Cesar salad and a cape cod. Then we went upstairs to the game room where we battled it out and he ended up winning me a purple stuffed monkey. I named him Clyde. After gaming, since it was still pretty early, Cj took me to the drive in and we watched Angles and Demons. I had a fantastic time-I thought CJ was funny and nice and I hoped he would ask me out again.
On Wednesday, I was pretty down in the dumps. Thinking about my mom and all. So, I ended up going over to Alejandro's house-why Im not entirely sure. Just to make my self feel even shittier Im sure.
So Thursday was June 11th, and it was sooo hard for me. Exactly 3 years ago today my mom passed away. I tried to make myself sleep all day-and usually thats not to difficult. But much to my dismay it proved an impossible task. Cj-the cable guy, called me up about 4:30 and invited me over to watch movies. I guess I figured that laying around all day wasnt doing me any good, so I went. We started off by watching WipeOut-the 2 hour special that he dvr'd the night before. That show is hilarious-one day I want to be on it. Seriously. Anyways, after watching the show, we went to a Chinese Buffet and stuffed ourselves...so much for my diet! Then on the way back we stopped and rented MallCop. I stayed at his house for a couple hours watching the movie-it was funny, and talking some more before heading home. However, before I left he invited me to go to a going away party for his dad the next night. I guess his dad is moving to Alaska, lucky duck, and his family was getting together at a local bar. Anyone who knows me knows that I totally said yes. I was excited to go.
So Friday morning at 8am I had a doctor appointment. Basically it was to go over my blood work that I had done earlier in the week. (On Monday I had a well woman exam). After getting there at 7:30 for my appointment and waiting over half an hour to see my doctor, I was finally admitted into the exam room. There my nurse, who is actually pretty nice, took my bp and temperature and proceeds to tell me that the Dr herself wants to go over my results with me. Then, I waited another 45 minutes for Dr. Joshi!! Talk about freaking me out!!! Anyways, she comes in and tells me everything is fine-except my cholesterol level. Apparently its 291 and it should be around 150. Almost double. Oops, I guess here is where I should tell you that on the day of my original appointment I was supposed to fast 24 hours prior to the appointment. Well, thinking that I know everything and that the doctor wouldnt possibly know, I stopped at McDonalds on the way and had 2 sausage mcmuffins. Im 99.999% sure that this is what screwed up my results-but do I confess, no f'in way!!! So now I have to take a cholesterol medicine for 3 months. How stupid am I??? LOL!
So later on that day, Cj calls me and tells me to meet him at his house at 6pm. Then we would go together in his car to the bar. But then about 3ish, he calls and says he's in Gilbert and as soon as he gets home he'll call me to meet him. Well, about 7:00 Im pissed and Im like, you know what-fuck him. So I go over to my friend Kristina's house just to chill. Then around 7:30 Alejandro calls me and totally bitches me out for being over there! As if!! He can go over to his stupid pretend cousins house whenever he feels like it, but I cant go anywhere? I think not. Finally about 8:15 Cj calls and wants to know if I still want to go. I do and I dont, but since im super pissed at Alejandro and looking really cute, I end up going and we finally get to the bar around 9:30. Needless to say, everyone is already shit faced. We end up having a couple of drinks then going over to his aunts house and drinking some more. Maybe around midnight or so, we leave and go back to his house. Since Im kinda drunk at this point I stay the night. What a mistake that was. Even though Cj is smart enough to respect the fact that were not going to screw, it was still uncomfortable. And OMG-he snores louder than anyone Ive ever known--including myself. It was so awful. The next morning I left at 6:00 am.
Saturday I spent laying around, hoping that Cj would call me--but the only calls I got were from Alejandro talking shit to me. Even uglier shit than usual because he's shit faced, fall down drunk.
On Sunday I was awaken by my phone ringing off the hook and Alejandro even drunker than usual spewing more ugliness at me. Finally around 6 Cj texts me and hits me with this gem "hey babe-just thinkin of u. Sorry its not gonna work,u dont put out." Sweet!! I got dumped via text by a moron. Cool beans--not!
Feeling dejected and lonely, I decide to try once again to make things work with Alejandro. He called me at 5:30am Monday morning and we made plans to get together and talk that afternoon. He was also supposed to give me money for my cell phone bill. So, being the nice person that I am, I go over to his house around 2:00 and do his laundry. He normally gets home around 7, by 8:30 when he's not home yet I break down and call him. Basically he starts yelling at me telling me he'll be home soon, but in the background I can hear people and I know that he's at his stupid ass good for nothing pretend cousins house. And then I say to myself, "You know what Jennifer, you cant do this yourself. You cant make someone love you and you know that. Pick up your dignity and leave-and more importantly, dont look back."
So, now your up to date on my life. My diets completely off track-but Im trying to get it back on. Oh, Im going on vacation soon. Im leaving June 30th for Washington-length of vacation, unknown. Basically, as long as I want. Which on the advice of my very best friend-is a good thing. Im going to look at it as a chance to start over. Im not moving, but Im leaving Alejandro and all the other bums I know behind. Oh yeah, and Im changing my cell phone number so that I dont have to have anymore ugly phone calls from Alejandro.
Im excited. Im happy. And, Im ready to move on.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Water For The World
http://www.one.org/us/waterfortheworld/index.html
Help provide 100 million people with first-time, sustainable access to clean water and sanitation.
For us, water is something that we take for granted. We just turn on the tap and its there. But more than 100 MILLION people world wide don't even have clean water to drink,much less bathe in, wash dishes in, etc. Please help me help them by signing this petition. Thanks, Jennifer
Help provide 100 million people with first-time, sustainable access to clean water and sanitation.
For us, water is something that we take for granted. We just turn on the tap and its there. But more than 100 MILLION people world wide don't even have clean water to drink,much less bathe in, wash dishes in, etc. Please help me help them by signing this petition. Thanks, Jennifer
Pobre Juan
This is my all time favorite favorite song. It's super sad, but undoubtedly a true story based on hundreds, if not thousands of people's lives. No one, whether white, black, Hispanic, Asian, or Indian should have to die trying to provide a better life for themselves and/or their family. Period.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Blue days
When I first started my blog...(what 6 days ago?) I had planned on writing something everyday. But I think that right now, its not going to happen. Were just 4 short days away from the anniversary of my mom's passing and I'm just not in the mood to sit here and blog about my life. But that doesn't mean that I'm giving it up...just give me some time to deal with the emotional stuff that's welling up and I'll be back.
Friday, June 5, 2009
WTF?!?!?
So, just like the other day, I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Right now I'm in a pretty pissy mood. I just weighed myself and according to my scale, Ive gained 1.5lbs. All I can say about this is WHAT THE FUCK??!!?? I mean, seriously why should I bother being on a diet when I gain weight? I feel like I'm hungry all the fucking time and my muscles are sore from working out..I just don't know. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor to see about some alternatives..like diet pills, or even better gastric bypass. Anyways, I'm grumpy and tired (ooh, I sound like 2 of Snow Whites dwarf's)so I'm going to call it a night.
Day 3
So, I guess its officially day 3 of my diet-redo and I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm definitely staying within my point range, which is 32, and I've worked out a couple of times.
I would say that things are going well, with the exception that I'm starving all the time. Its times like these (1am and I cant sleep)when I would kill for some ice cream or chips or something snacky. I settled for some special k with skim milk, midnight snacks are a big no-no, but at least I kept it fairly healthy.
In just these past couple of days I've learned that I am the kind of person who is an emotional eater. Also, I get the munchies when I'm bored. Like today when the TV was down for 4 freaking hours while the Dish network was being installed by a total asshole. I can only mess around on the computer for so long before I start going nutso and I was bored to death. That probably would have been the perfect opportunity for me to get a mini workout in but to be honest, I was to damn lazy.
So, as I begin day 4 I'm going to try a few things differently. For one, I'm not going to take a mid afternoon nap..this will hopefully eliminate the midnight snacking issue. For two, I'm going to try my very hardest not to become to emotional today. I have a tendency of getting my feelings hurt very easily which makes me depressed which then leads to the quart of ice cream to sooth my pain. And for three, I'm going to try to be a little more active in my everyday life...besides just going to the gym. I'm making it a personal goal today to walk for 15-20 minutes in addition to working out.
I'm you know, getting old..and I am not going to lie to myself anymore. I need to succeed with my new healthy lifestyle and I have the support that I need, I just need to get to the point where I believe in myself. I wonder how long it takes to get there.
I would say that things are going well, with the exception that I'm starving all the time. Its times like these (1am and I cant sleep)when I would kill for some ice cream or chips or something snacky. I settled for some special k with skim milk, midnight snacks are a big no-no, but at least I kept it fairly healthy.
In just these past couple of days I've learned that I am the kind of person who is an emotional eater. Also, I get the munchies when I'm bored. Like today when the TV was down for 4 freaking hours while the Dish network was being installed by a total asshole. I can only mess around on the computer for so long before I start going nutso and I was bored to death. That probably would have been the perfect opportunity for me to get a mini workout in but to be honest, I was to damn lazy.
So, as I begin day 4 I'm going to try a few things differently. For one, I'm not going to take a mid afternoon nap..this will hopefully eliminate the midnight snacking issue. For two, I'm going to try my very hardest not to become to emotional today. I have a tendency of getting my feelings hurt very easily which makes me depressed which then leads to the quart of ice cream to sooth my pain. And for three, I'm going to try to be a little more active in my everyday life...besides just going to the gym. I'm making it a personal goal today to walk for 15-20 minutes in addition to working out.
I'm you know, getting old..and I am not going to lie to myself anymore. I need to succeed with my new healthy lifestyle and I have the support that I need, I just need to get to the point where I believe in myself. I wonder how long it takes to get there.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Used up
Im going to keep this short and to the point. To everyone who pretended to be my friend...adios. I dont need to buy your friendships anymore. Im a grown up and I dont need you. But let me leave you with this...you need me. I was the only true friend that you had. Sorry you never figured it out, but i guess it sucks to be you. As far as apologizing, dont bother. Im over it, and over you.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Day 1 of many, many, many more.
So this is my first blog, and I'm finding it amazingly difficult to write about myself. I titled it "Day one of many, many, many more" and it serves more than just one purpose. I mean obviously it refers to this blog, but it also refers to day one of my new lifestyle.
Ive tried a zillion diets and they don't work, so that's why I'm going to change not only what I eat, but also how I live-hence the term, lifestyle. Everyone who knows me knows that I am self admittedly Lazy with a capital L. And its true. I hate almost everything that requires to much energy. And don't get me started on sweating...gross!! As a matter of fact, I almost didn't graduate high school in time because I didn't have the required number of gym credits. Thankfully, I had a butt load of other credits and they let me just skate on by.
In addition to actually working out, Ive decided to try the Points program by Weight Watchers..well, kinda. To be honest, I don't really think that I could deal with actually going to the meetings and being weighed-in front of people. So, I went online-google is a wonderful thing-and found the formula for not only my point allowance (I get 32 BTW), but the much harder to find activity point conversion formula. I guess having the support from others in the group might be helpful, but since I have a hard time talking to people I don't know, I'm not sure that would be of use to me. So I'm making my own support group, here online. Right now, I'm the only one in it, but no one out there will be a bigger cheerleader for me.
So, that's it in a nutshell. I still subscribe to the "I am who I am..take it or leave it" motto, but I'm also going to add the tag line "A work in progress" to it..because when you think about it..that's what we really all are.
P.S.-Day one totals-32 food points, no activity points
B:Special K, skim milk, raisins-13 points(way to many)
L:Tomato soup, whole wheat pasta-9 points
D:Left over soup from lunch-9 points
64oz water, 2 12oz diet cokes
Ive tried a zillion diets and they don't work, so that's why I'm going to change not only what I eat, but also how I live-hence the term, lifestyle. Everyone who knows me knows that I am self admittedly Lazy with a capital L. And its true. I hate almost everything that requires to much energy. And don't get me started on sweating...gross!! As a matter of fact, I almost didn't graduate high school in time because I didn't have the required number of gym credits. Thankfully, I had a butt load of other credits and they let me just skate on by.
In addition to actually working out, Ive decided to try the Points program by Weight Watchers..well, kinda. To be honest, I don't really think that I could deal with actually going to the meetings and being weighed-in front of people. So, I went online-google is a wonderful thing-and found the formula for not only my point allowance (I get 32 BTW), but the much harder to find activity point conversion formula. I guess having the support from others in the group might be helpful, but since I have a hard time talking to people I don't know, I'm not sure that would be of use to me. So I'm making my own support group, here online. Right now, I'm the only one in it, but no one out there will be a bigger cheerleader for me.
So, that's it in a nutshell. I still subscribe to the "I am who I am..take it or leave it" motto, but I'm also going to add the tag line "A work in progress" to it..because when you think about it..that's what we really all are.
P.S.-Day one totals-32 food points, no activity points
B:Special K, skim milk, raisins-13 points(way to many)
L:Tomato soup, whole wheat pasta-9 points
D:Left over soup from lunch-9 points
64oz water, 2 12oz diet cokes
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