All Fucked Up

All Fucked Up - Everclear

I am all fucked up

And I am ready to break

I don't wanna be the guy

Who is always on the outside

I wanna find my own

good place

All fucked up

And I don't know how

How I ever got to where I feel

Like I am dying on the inside

I want to be happy

But I don't know how

I am all fucked up

And it's always the same

I always get so close,

Then I let it get away

I got no one but

myself to blame

I'm all fucked up

And I don't know why

If the rest of my life

Is going to be like this

Think I would rather die

I am all fucked up

Yes, I am all fucked up

You're happy

when you are all fucked up

Yes, I am all fucked up

I am all fucked up

Yes, I am ready to break

I don't wanna be the guy

Who is always on the outside

I wanna find my own

good place

All fucked up

And I don't know how

How I ever got to where I feel

Like I'm dying on the inside

I want to be happy now

I am all fucked up

And it is always the same

I always get so close

then I let it get away

I got no one but

myself to blame

I am all fucked up

And I don't know why

If the rest of my life

Is going to be like this

Than I think I would rather die

I am all fucked up

Is it me?

Right now Im sitting in my room, boxing up my stuff and getting ready for the big move. But as I sit here packing I wonder to myself-why am i doing this alone? Maybe its just me, but if a friend of mine was moving many states away I'd want to be hanging out with them, maybe helping them pack-but definately keeping them company and enjoying the limited time we have left to be friends. Its very disturbing to realize that I actually have no friends. I know, I know, Ive blogged about this before, real life friends vs online friends...but when it all comes down to it a friend is a friend and I have absolutely NONE, unless of course some one needs a ride somewhere or needs me to do a favor. Im not so self absorbed that I think that its everyone elses fault, I accept the fact that I have no friends and its my fault. But what I dont understand is why. I think Im a pretty nice person, I think I treat people well, I think that Im fun to be around-but obviously Im not. I have no idea whatsoever what Im doing wrong and thats the hardest part to deal with. If I dont know what the problem is, how can I work on changing it. Trust me-Im not here boo-hooing and why me-ing but I am wondering "whats wrong with me?"

Yay Me!

So...I FINALLY found a job! Yay me!! In all of the 20 years that Ive been working Ive never ever had this much trouble finding work! I was telling my friend Nora that I bet an ex-con on parole for murder would have had an easier time finding something...seriously, thats how hard it was. But the cool thing about where Im going to be working is that its a chain, so once I move to Washington I should be able to transfer with no problem. Actually, I was telling my dad about my idea to transfer and I told him that I'll probably have to be with the company for at least 6 months before I can do it, and he shocks my by telling me that he's 100% certain that we'll be moved long before my 6 months is up! So its a double-y good day for me! And you know me...that made me cheesy happy--but anyone who's read my blog knows how my dad is....if he says 6 months that probably means 12-but we'll just wait and see!

Tidal waves.

Whoa!!! Ive just been hit by a tidal wave of emotion. Right now Im full on teary eyed and suffering from a massive hole in my heart thats been caused by distance.

Im pretty sure that everyone knows that my mom passed away just over 3 years ago. The pain of losing her is a constant in my life, and I have my good days and my bad days. People who told me that it gets easier as time goes by were sorely mistaken-it never gets easier, never.  But Im learning to deal with it.

Anyways, todays reason for my emotional rollercoaster was caused by my sister. She lives in Texas with the three people who I love more than life itself-my nieces...aka: my girlies, my boo's, my everythings. I suddenly realized that I havent seen them in 7 months. But whats worse than that is that I havent even spoken to them in weeks. Maybe its selfish of me, okay-Im certain that it is-but Im afraid that they are going to forget about their Auntie. Kids grow up so fast and not being able to see them regularly is tough enough, but not hearing their voices is heartbreaking!

So basically, my saddness is comming from my own selfish desires to be loved, and remembered...but more importantly, it comes from my need to never let those three precious girls think that their Auntie doesnt love and miss them. And now I realize that Ive got to do anything I can to make sure that doesnt happen. Since we have those gaps in time together I think I need to fill in those voids with as many cards, letters and emails as it takes to keep me on their mind--and more importantly in their hearts, always.

What a sack of shit!

     Omg!! I should start re-reading what I write before I post it. That last update I did was total crap!!

     Here's what I should have written, but didnt:

     Ive been super lazy and a little self destructive and havent done a damn thing since my last post. Ive looked for a job here and there, but basically Ive been laying around waiting for one to just fall into my lap. Until today that is. Today I got my ass out of bed bright and early and actually went looking for places that were hiring. I filled out a dozen or so applications today alone and will do the same thing tomorrow and the next day and so on until I finally find something. I guess you could say that Im being pro-active now. And its about damn time, isnt it?!? (Its okay to agree with me)...Ive had 35 long years to realize this, but its only recently occoured to me that life is what you make it. And as of yet, I havent made anything of myself...but that is not the person that I want to be. I might not ever be famous or important, but I promise you this (no, screw you...I promise myself this) I will be a productive member or society-not just some lazy sack of skin that wastes time and contributes nothing.
     So there you go. Thats the real deal, and thats whats happenning here. I guess I could go back and delete that last post, but Im not going to. Im just going to leave it there as a reminder that if nothing else I have to be honest with myself.

Why does every update need a freakin' title?

     Wow! Its been weeks and weeks since I last updated my blog...even though I promised to not let that happen anymore. I guess I could lie and make up excuses as to why it happened (again) but why the hell should I? Right?!? I mean, its my damn blog-and I can do what ever the hell I want. Dang, that sounded like a whiney little kid-didnt it? Anyways, you know what I mean. The last place Im going to waste a lie is here-because there is absolutely no reason to.

     So, onto whats happening in my life.              <------Notice that big empty spot? Thats right...not a thing has happened or is happening right now. Seriously. Sometimes I feel like life is just passing me by, and I guess in reality, it is. Im just so stuck right now, and the more time that passes, the more wedged into this spot I become. I had been telling myself, 'Well, once you move things will change', and I suppose they will. But what I just realized today was why do I have to wait until then? I think sometimes I let myself just 'pass the time' because its easier than to actually do something. I could spend hours and hours psycho-analyzing myself and trying to figure out why I do the things I do, but Ive been there/done that and it hasnt done a bit of good. What Im beginning to realize is that I really dont know who I am, and how can I change and move past this until I understand who the real Jennifer is...not just on the surface, but deep down...the real me. How Ive made it 35 years without knowing that is beyond me, but I think I need to get a grip and figure that shit out-and quickly. I mean, I only have one life to live and Im tired of wasting it. I definitely can not live another 35 like this-well, I guess I could...but I refuse to.
     There ya go. Theres the update on my life and now you see why Ive decided that this little grouping of words isnt worthy of a title.

Long time no seeeee!

Im sorry that its been so long since I've posted anything. And I dont really have an excuse as to why Ive been so negletful to my blog, other than I just didnt feel like I had anything to write about. Basically all thats new in my life is that Ive been going to the doctor a lot lately trying to get my weight under control. In the last 2 weeks Ive been given 6 different medications, and one of them is seriously fucking up my sleep schedule. If I dont take it, I basically have insomnia and if I do take it I cant manage to keep my eyes open for more than an hour or so at a time. Its totally ridiculous! Also, the doctor has run some tests and determined that my thyroid isnt working at 100%, so she gave me some medicine to make it work better...hopefully thats going to help my metabolism pick up. Other than that, nothing major is going on. Oh, we're having tile installed in the house. The guys have already ripped out the carpet from the kitchen, den, living room and hallway. They have the tile all layed out everywhere, but a small part of the hall which they're doing tomorrow. After that all they have left to do is grout. By the time they're done, it will have taken them just over a week to do 520 sq feet! Talk about moving at turtle pace, but oh well, at least my dads not paying them by the hour. Anyways, I guess thats all for now. I'll try to keep up to date a little better, but I think that the next month or so is going to be super busy. Im still hoping on a November move date, so we have a lot to do to get ready. But, like I said, I'll do my best to keep you up to date!!!

800---whaattttttt?

So I went to the nutritionist yesterday and got probably the worst news possible. She put me on a diet of 800 calories per day! I know, I know...its not that big of a deal. But I didnt tell you the worst part yet. She eliminated my one true love--Diet Coke! How am I supposed to just give up soda? I dont know if Im going to be able to do it..honestly, I just dont think I can. But Im going to really try to do it...at least for one month. Ive decided that Im going to stick to my diet including this no soda deal and see how it works. If I dont have any significant weight loss after 30 days, Ive gotta be honest...Diet Coke, here I come! As of right now-Im 16 hours and 21 minutes into the 'new'diet and so far Im starving! And I'd love a soda right now...but Im not dying for one-yet. We'll see how tomorrow goes...I'll let you know!

Ugh!

Ugh!! Thats a perfect description of the way I feel. Im having a crappy day and I feel shitty. I need to figure out what my fucking problem is. <----See what I mean. Anyways, since Im feeling ugh like Im going to call it a night.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 64th birthday. She died 3 years ago and not a day goes by where I dont think of her and miss her. People say that it gets easier with time, but it sure hasnt gotten easier for me. I mean, Im not a crying mess all the time any more, but I do have my moments-my days, where I just miss her so much that I cant stop crying. Especially on important days, and anniversary's of events. And yes, I still talk to her. I talk to her on almost a daily basis..if for no other reason than to say, "I love you".

So on this day, the day that my mom would have celebrated her birthday, I want to take this opportunity to warn all of my readers of the hazards of smoking. My mom died of COPD-which is chronic obstructive pulminary disorder. Basically its emphazema and even though she had other health problems that may not have been caused by smoking, smoking certainly made it worse--and eventually took her from her loved ones way before she was ready to go. People call cigarettes cancer sticks for a reason and I ask you, no I beg you all to quit smoking right now. I know that it will be hard, and ok-your going to be really grumpy for a week or so, but I promise you this--no one will remember how much of an asshole you were for that week. Your loved ones will only remember how much you love them and how you did this for them. I know that my mom wouldnt have wanted to pass away at the early age of 60. She was so young and had so much life left to live--but the cancer sticks took her...please dont let your family and friends go through the agony of losing you to early. They love you and they want you to be in their lives. Just as much as I loved my mom and wish that she could still be here with me in my life.

Memory Walk 2009

My grandma passed away from Alzheimer's and my Uncle is struggling from it at this very moment. Because of this, I have decided to join the Alzheimer's foundation for Memory Walk 2009. Since I dont know anyone in my area who is walking, Ive decided to start my own team. Im still looking for a name for my team, and Im open to any suggestions. I want to complete my registration by midnight August 10, 2009....so, please flex those brain muscles and give me some ideas!!

Once I get my team name registered, I will have MUCH more information on how all of YOU can help me raise money to fight this disease. My plan is to have that information up by Wednesday the 12th. Please help me!!!!

And up and up and up she goes!

So, I've been back from my 5 week vacation for 5 days now and I've noticed something horrible!! None and I mean NONE of my clothes fit me anymore. All of my jeans are too small and I have to stretch my shirts to get them on. I know what your thinking...'what happened to her diet'? Well, way back in June while on my diet I gained 4 pounds in 4 days!! My doctor decided that I needed to see the nutritionist, so I decided to just forget about the diet until I met with her. Unfortunately she has a huge waiting list and I cant get into see her until August 18.

But until then, Im totally down in the dumps. Im supposed to go on a date with a guy who seems really nice, but my self esteem has taken a huge dive, and Im embarrassed to go. What am I supposed to wear--sweat pants? I've been putting him off for days now, but Im pretty sure that he's going to lose interest pretty soon. Only those of you who have ever struggled with weight before will understand how hard this is...and then the worse I feel about myself, the more I eat and the less exercise I do, and the scale continues to go up and up and up. Im completely ready to take drastic measures to get this under control...I wonder how I can get myself a tapeworm.

Put on your seatbelts boys and girls, its going to be a bumpy ride!

So everyone knows that I was in Washington and that I was heading back to Arizona on Tuesday the 4th of August. Well, this post is about that very trip home.


Normally I enjoy traveling. I even enjoy layovers because I use it as a chance to explore airports in cities that Ive never been too. With this in mind, I purposely selected a flight on Expedia.com that had a layover in a place that I had never been to-Salt Lake City, Utah. And what was extra cool about this was that my layover was supposed (key word here) to be 2.5 hours, so I thought I'd have plenty of time to explore. I booked about 9 days in advance, so I was able to choose a fairly decent seat on my Delta flight. I chose seat number 19A which is slightly ahead of the emergency exits, and right next to the window. For my flight from SLC to Phoenix, the seats were a little more limited, but I still got a pretty good seat. 22A, again next to the window, and still before the emergency seats. I was actually pretty pleased about the idea of choosing my own seat. I usually fly on Southwest and it's pretty much first come first served.


Anyways, like I said, I booked my flight through expedia.com and that was that. Right? No sir-y bob! Later that night, well, about actually around 5am the next morning I awoke with a horrible thought. "Baggage" I had completely forgotten about the fee that Delta charges to check luggage. I tried to cancel my ticket right away, but the fee to cancel it would have been more than the $50 dollars to check to bags. I should have realized right then that that was a bad omen, but noooo.


24 hours before my flight was scheduled to depart, I went online to delta.com to check in electronically. For some insane reason I wasnt able to. I then went to expedia.com and was told that my itinerary was 'unavailable'<---again, that should have been a sign...but Im not that smart.

So on the day of my flight, I leave for the airport in time to get there at least 2 hours before check in. Im not familiar with Sea-Tac and I want to make sure I get there in plenty of time to check my 2 pieces of luggage, get my seat assignment, make it through security, and have time to stop in a few gift shops on my way to the gate. First thing I notice when I get there-no curb side check in. WTF?!? Isnt that standard? So I haul my crap inside and get into line at the Delta counter, only to be told that I dont have to check in at the counter, I can do it at the kiosk. I haul myself and my crap over to the kiosk, wait in line to use it, just to find out that I cant check in there after all because Im paying cash to pay for my luggage fee. Usually at this point I would be pissed, but I stayed calm and was only mildly irritated..I mean, its going to be a good day right?

I pay my fifty fucking dollars to check my 2 bags (quick side note: guess how much additional it would have been if I wanted to check a 3rd bag? give up?? $175 extra bucks!!! ) and I head over to security. Now, I realize that security is an issue that we all have to deal with these days, but seriously, do all the T.S.A. agents need to have a meeting at the same time, thus making the lines huge?? I mean, what kind of management says, ok-at 4:30 am all workers will attend a meeting, fuck the travelers. Wouldnt it make more sense to maybe break it up and have a couple of different meetings, so that you dont get a huge backup? Come on!!

So after roughly 45 minutes in line, I start my trek to gate S-11. And by trek, I mean long fucking hike!!! I literally walked for 25 minutes and took a tram to get there..so much for my plan of hitting up some of the gift shops. I get up to the check in counter and finally get hit with this nasty surprise--my seat has been changed to get this--45D!!! Forty fucking five?!? In case your wondering, yes, that is the last row in the airplane....and you got it, right next to the stinky lavatories! After practically pushing my way down the aisle, I find my seat and am greeted by child throwing a temper tantrum! Mind you, its not even 6 am...Oh yeah, Im a lucky one.

My flight to Salt Lake City was roughly 2.5 hours buy it felt like 2.5 days. The toddler next to me could have been the poster kid for birth control. She was horrible...screaming, crying, kicking, and tearing up the magazines. Omg-and her parents-stop, stop please, whats wrong honey. I wanted to tell them to take her into the stinky lavatory, spank her butt and tell her to behave...but I held my tongue and suffered. All while a revolving line of people stunk up the bathrooms and the lady next to me getting up every 15 minutes to pee. Ive never been happier than when the pilot said that we were about to land in Salt Lake City. That is, until the tire went flat. Oh yeah, talk about scary. But at this point, I just want off this fucking airplane and away from these people!!

By the time we de-board the plane in Salt Lake City, my 9:50 arrival is more like 11:00. This means that I have about 50 minutes to get to my next gate, which is roughly a MILLION fucking miles away. As Im practically running through the airport, I see the gift shops out of the corner of my eye..its all a blur. Thankfully when I get to the gate my seat assignment from expedia remained the same and could breathe a little sigh of relief. Knowing that I only had about 10 minutes until boarding, I found a little take out restaurant and got a chicken Cesar salad to go--which was the highlight of my trip! I didnt have any time to check out the gift shops, but by this time I dont even care. I board the plane and find my seat, pleased to find a little old lady will be my traveling companion.

As we leave the SLC airport, Im kinda sad that my layover adventure never materialized. Ive never been to Utah before, and thought I might be able to get a sense of the culture. I love looking at the artwork and displays that cities and states have in airports. I find that they usually highlight the best of the area, and its something that I find fun. My flight to Phoenix was about 2 hours which passed quickly and smoothly. I arrived in Phoenix on time and was immediately reminded why I love flying out of SkyHarbor airport. Everything is well organized and easy to find and I quickly made it to baggage claim. While looking for my dad (who was picking me up) I realized that I told him to pick me up at terminal 3, and in reality, I was in terminal 2. After a quick call to him, I headed outside to wait. When I see him drive by me, I was like--hellooooo!!! I tried to quickly catch up to him, but was unsuccessful...i ended up walking all the way to the end of the terminal, in 110 degree heat with 4 bags mind you!!

Anyways, I finally made it home. My vacation was wonderful and I had a great time. But I definitely learned something. I will never ever book anything with expedia.com and I will never again fly on Delta (unless someone else is paying for it! Lol, Im serious!!). Im going to stick with my airline of choice, Southwest...where the bags fly free.

Yawn!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow I head home to Arizona..I've been on vacation in Washington for 6 weeks and Im ready to go. Im exhausted-physically, mentally, and emotionally... I have so much to fill you guys in on, so get ready, because my next update is going to be a biggie!! Until then, Im super tired, and Im off to take a nap, YAWWWNNNNN!

I Love Washington!

The reason's why I love being back in Washington:

W-WHEN it rains it pours!

A- APPLES

S- SEATTLE!

H- Mt. St. HELENS

I- IKEA Renton Days

N- NATURE

G- The GORGE at GEORGE

T- TULIPS (Skagit Valley Tulip Festival)

O- OCEAN Shores!!

N- NORTHWEST Living

L.A.Z.Y.<-----Thats me!

So I got back from my mini vacay today---ok, fine..I technically got back yesterday. But now Im even more unmotivated than ever!! I promise-I'll be back online tomorrow filling you all in on my trip...but right now, im just to damn LAZY!!

How many seashells?

Wow, it seems like its been quite a while since I last posted anything here..but as many of you know, I am on vacation! Tomorrow starts the beginning of my mini-vaca. Its really a vacation within a vacation, and Im super excited about it. You see, I am headed off to Ocean Shores, Washington. Well, actually, Pacific Beach. We are going to stay in a little privately owned hotel and Im not sure if they offer Internet connection or if they might possibly be in the 21st century and have wi-fi. So heres the deal...if I can, I'll update my mini vaca daily. And if not, then I'll have to update you when I return. And I rest assured, I will surely let you know how many sea shells by the sea I found!!!

Things that make you go hmmmm.

Upon reflection it always amazes me how I allow people to influence my mood. If someone hurts my feelings it totally ruins my day. I dont think thats normal...I should be the one who is in control of the way I feel. I wonder how one gets to be that way. Anyways, its just something I've been thinking about tonight.

10 Things I Hate About You--Yes You!

Tonight Im going to keep this, short, sweet and to the point. These are the top ten things I hate about people:

1. I hate people who lie.
2. I hate people who are always late.
3. I hate people who are mean.
4. I hate people who are self centered.

Hmmmm...Maybe I only have a top 4. I guess I dont hate that many people after all. I need to come up with some more reasons. I'll work on it and get back to you guys.

She's a screamer!

Have you ever been so mad that you just want to scream your head off? Thats the way Im feeling right now. Im so fucking pissed off-and I just need to let it all out. Really what I need to do is let it go. Hmm. I didnt see that coming.

Wow, I logged in here this morning to have a verbal screaming session, but I think I shall hold off on that and ponder this new revelation. Seriously, I think what I need to do is just 'let it go'. That isnt going to be easy, but perhaps it'll be healthier.

Interesting. Okay, thats it then. Quick and short and not at all what I thought I'd be blogging about...maybe this girl can change after all. We'll see if Im able to trade in my love of screaming about things into a love of just getting rid of it-emotionally. I'll let you know how it works out.

One flamming mess.

Im so pissed at myself right now. Seriously, Im getting really sick and tired of setting myself up for disaster time after time. I mean, I know what I want and I know what I need, so why do I keep trying to fit a square peg in a round hole?

It is making me so frustrated with myself. I want to be a grown up and do things on my own, for myself, but I keep making stupid mistakes. And what makes it worse is that Im not learning from these mistakes...its like, if you burn your hand on a hot burner, you dont touch it again, right? Why then is it so tough for me to stop touching the damn flaming hot mess that keeps coming into my life?

Ugh!!! I just dont know. Maybe Im suffering from the Martyrdom syndrome but then...no one is feeling sorry for me, but me, so that would be pretty idiotic. But then again, it wouldnt be the first dumb thing that Ive done-right?

Anyways, I guess the only way to stop letting myself down is to grow a pair. Lol, or maybe I should just grow a spine and learn how to say 'enough is enough, and no is no'. But its so hard to do.

I guess one of my twitter peeps said it best when she said- "It's hard to realize your decision is the right one, especially when you wish it weren't." Now, if I could just stick to my decisions I'd be golden.

A place to start

Its hard starting a business! There is so much to do, so many things to think about and consider..I guess I never really thought about how much went into 'doing your own thing'.

But besides all the legal stuff, and all the prep work...the absolute hardest thing for me-is trying to come up with a name for my little adventure in jewelry making. Actually, I had a dream last night and a name came to me....but Im second guessing myself. Ive been told to trust your instincts, but which instinct do I go with-the original one or the 'i dont know' one?

Anyways, whether I have a name yet or not is not the most important thing right now, to me-its: WILL, DETERMINATION AND DEDICATION. And that my friends I have plenty of, all in all, I guess thats-a good place to start.

Hot Tea and a Scarf!

Tonight I find myself thinking about my grandma. She died on my birthday 3 years ago, shortly after my mom passed away. I think that I was in such deep grief over my mom that I never really grieved for my grandma. It was just something that happened. I mean, I knew it was going to happen, she had Alzheimer's and she was ill for a very long time. But tonight Im really really thinking about her and missing her.

My grandma was great. She was from Scotland and I have so many fond memories of her. Every year on Christmas eve we would go to her house for our family party. There was always a pretty tree, lots of laughter, a pile of presents, and fabulous food. We always had sausage rolls, apple pie, salmon spread, and of course tea. I remember that when it was warm, she would take me and my sister to the beach, where we would build sandcastles and play in the surf. Oh, and the candy!! Every two years she would go back to Scotland to visit family and friends, and she would always-always bring us back a huge bag of English and Scottish candies. Yumm-o!

I think that maybe the pain of losing her is hitting me hard right now because Im back in my home state, with my family. While visiting Washington, Im staying with my Aunt Shirley, who is my dad's sister, and my grandmas only daughter. I feel grandma everywhere here...and yet I still miss her. I want to ask my aunt or my dad where grandma is buried, because I feel like I have to visit her. No one is making me, but deep down in my soul I feel the need.

Anyways, since Im missing her so much Im trying out one of her old Scottish home remedies for my cold. Of course she made me a tea drinker, so I have a hot steamy mug of Red Rose tea with one teaspoon of sugar. But Im also wearing one of her scarves tied tightly around my neck. My aunt told me that grandma always wore this scarf when she wasnt feeling good and it supposedly made her feel better.

Im pretty sure that most home remedies are hogwash..but if my Grandma believed this worked, then I believe it too! Hot tea and a scarf-who knew?!?

From this day forward she shall be called Megan.

In my 35 years I've had A LOT of friends. But as people change, friendships end and we all move on. I know, I know - I've blogged about real life friends vs online friends before...but here is a new twist...

According to the Urban dictionary (meaning #3) a Best Friend is:
"Someone you can totally be yourself around and not give a care in the world about your actions or feelings because they won't judge you for the stupid things you may do or say."

I also would define a BF that way..but (here's the tricky part), what qualifies one to be given the title of a Best Friend. I mean just because I say something stupid once and a person still stays friends with me doesnt mean that they automatically move up to BF status...right? And then there's this: do you actually have to know someone in real life for them to be considered a friend above all others, or does conversing daily with a person on the Internet count too? I mean, I dont care what a person does for a living or what someone looks like..so does it matter if I never see them in real life? To me its like-who cares.

So this brings me to my final dilemma, and its a doozie. Do you have to know someones real name to make them a friend? SHOULD you know it before declaring to the world that this person is my BFF? I mean, my online name for almost everything is That_Girl_Jenn, so its pretty easy to deduce my actual name, (for those of you who may be kinda challenged in the brain area, its Jennifer, aka Jenn). But what if a person goes by- littlebuttercup or IheartPuppies? If a person chooses to remain somewhat anonymous is that such a bad thing?

Maybe Im weird, but I dont think its that big of deal really. To me, a best friend is someone who is there for you when you need them, its the person who laughs at your dumb jokes and immediately notices when your down. A best friend is someone who always makes you feel good about yourself, and always points out the positives.

And that is why my best friend is..well, she knows who she is. I dont want to invade her privacy by telling the world her online name, but trust me...she is the very definition of a best friend. And since I dont know her actual birth given name, I have decided to give her a name of my own choosing. Actually, its the name that I secretly gave her when we first became friends, Megan. I know 100% with out a doubt that that is not her real name..but it's the name I came up with using her online signature. It works for me, and knowing my bff..it'll work for her too.

The dream of a dreamer!

So here it is, almost 1am and yet again, Im still awake. I often try to go to bed early, but it seems like most nights I just cant turn my brain off. And tonight is no exception. Although what's different than usual is that tonight I actually have something positive running through my mind, not the usual sadness or dread. Tonight I am all consumed by something relatively new for me...Hope!!

Yes, hope.

Now, Im feeling all happy and positive at the moment, but at the same time Im being cautious..and I dont want to jinx myself. That being said, Im not going to go into to much detail about my big idea, other than to say it involves me having my own little business online. Im a HUGE fan of a website called, Esty. It's THE place to buy and sell all things hand made. And thats all Im going to say about it for the time being. I have a lot of planning and work to do before this plan of mine can come to fruition.

Ive had a lot of ups and downs over the last couple of years, and Ive learned so much about myself...both good and bad. And now I've realized that what was missing in my life was a goal, a dream, a hope. But now Im back Baby, and this dreamer has a dream!!!

Can I get a hook up?

I am such a social media junkie. I nearly called myself a Social media whore, but that might be going a bit too far...though, if Twitter paid me to get new members, etc...Ok THEN I would be a social media whore.

It all started off with MySpace. Even though I still like it, apparently it's fallen out of favor with everyone over the age of 12. So I joined Facebook, which is becoming addicting. One of the things I loved about MySpace was the ability to personalize it..and now that Im learning how to do that on Facebook, I love it. I can keep in touch easier with family and friends, and in all honesty, Ive connected much more with people here than I ever did on MySpace.

I naturally progressed to to Twitter, which I admit is my drug of choice. Twitter is my own personal brand of heroin (to quote Twilight and prove how much of a nerd I truly am). But how can I not love Twitter? I've made lots of new friends, and maybe one day I'll actually meet some of them in real life. There are actually events like WVFN(West Valley Friday Nights for those of us on the West Side<----throw up any gang signs that you want here, lol.) Not only that, I've learned alot on Twitter too. When one of my 'twiends' suggests a web site I always go check it out, and some of them I find interesting.

And now, my newest thing... FourSquare. Again, Thanks Twitter. And again, one of my 'twiends' suggested it. And the social media junkie that I am, I followed suit. Its not too bad, kinda fun. Its hard to explain to people though. Its sort of a game, but its a game that is designed to get you out and finding all those little hidden gems that are tucked away in your city. You can earn different badges by checking in at different places, and leave reviews or "To-Do's" as recommendations. I have been playing around with it for a few days, so I don't really have all the details straight. Im sure I'll have an update on my opinion soon though.

Ok, so now that I have come out of the closet and admitted that I have a problem, I need you all to help feed it. What are your favorite social media applications? What do you get out of them? What are sites you can't live without? Come on guys, hook me up!

Pride

Happy 4Th of July!!!

After watching an amazing fireworks display at Gas Works Park I feel a renewed sense of patriotism.

I am truly grateful for each and every man and woman who has served this country.

I am truly grateful for the freedom that I enjoy and take for granted.

and more than anything----I AM PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!!!

Hello from under an umbrella

Hello from the rainy state of Washington!! I've been here for 2 days now and words can not explain how great Im feeling. The only way I can possibly describe it is this way-Im home. I've been gone from here for roughly 12 years now and although I've always missed it, I dont think I fully appreciated just how much.

Immediately upon the decent into Sea-Tac airport, the majestic Mt. Saint Helen's and Mt. Rainer greeted me. The lush green forest lept up from below and the beautiful Puget Sound came into view. Once I was in the car and on the way to my aunts house I became fascinated by the amount of hills that I saw. It felt like we were driving for miles, up and up and up. I felt like it was Christmas time, and I was given the greatest gift ever.

People always say that you never really know what you've lost until its gone, and its true. But in the past 48 hours I've learned that the phrase doesnt only apply to people...it also applies to places. I've always missed Washington, but until I came back I didnt realize how much apart of me this place is. It's in me..in my soul, and now I know, more than ever before, where I belong. Now I just have to convince my dad to sell the house and move up here.

Friends and the Internet

Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Friendster. With all of these social networking sites, where do real life friendships fit in?

A few days from now I'll be 35 years old and I can count the number of real life friends that I have on one hand-minus the thumb. But if you ask me how many Internet friends I have and the number doubles, maybe even triples. How did this happen? Is it normal?

I guess my problem is that I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything..so theoretically, its impossible for me to meet people. Once in a while I'll meet someone at work who becomes a friend...but how long do those friendships last? Until someone changes jobs and you don't have quite as many things in common.

Now online..its different. Nobody cares what you look like or what you do for a living. People are friendly and chatty and it's easy to get attached. I talk to the same people every day and its hard for me to not consider them friends. But are they really?

I can only speak for myself, but I'm finding that the Internet is becoming a crutch. It allows me to be in my own little world, yet not be lonely. But there is a downside to this and its a biggie. It's called human interaction. So, I've come to the conclusion that I need to put myself out there. I need to become public again, and I need to make some real friends.

I'm afraid of making a fool of myself but I'm far more afraid of being alone. So thats it...operation make new friends has begun!

How High is too High?

Yesterday was Fathers Day and it should have been a relatively quiet Sunday. My dad is out of town visiting my sister in Texas, so I was home alone. The night before Alejandro had spent the night, and in the morning he took me out to breakfast. It was not something that we usually do, and it was so nice. After I came home I did a little laundry and then decided to take a nap before cleaning the house.

After my nap I start cleaning my room, beginning by taking the sheets off my bed so I could throw them in the washer. And this is where my nice, quiet, first day of summer came to screeching to a halt. There at the end of my bed was a tiny little plastic baggie. When I saw it my heart sank, because I knew instantly what it was, and who it belonged to.

Inside that little piece of plastic was cocaine. Not a lot, but it was what it was. I called Alejandro and asked him if he forgot anything at my house, and he said no. I asked him three more times, and gave him all the opportunity in the world to man up, but he didn't. Finally, I told him what I found and the phone went silent. All he could say was that yes, it was his..but he doesn't do it all the time. At that point, all I was thinking was this: it's over.

I know I say all the time that me and Alejandro are breaking up, and I think that usually I'm lying to myself, rather than to you all. But this is different. So very, heart breakingly different.

See, years ago, before Alejandro and I started dating, I was dating a guy named Alberto. Alberto and I were together for 5 years and during that time I watched him go from a caring, hard working man to a lying, thieving, self centered drug addict. For 3 years I thought I could "fix" him..I thought I could "change" him. But in reality, the only person I changed was myself. And once I finally realized that the man I was in love with no longer existed I left, and I swore to myself that I would never again date anyone who did drugs. I don't buy into the theory that someone can do drugs recreationally...because there is not one single drug addict anywhere who's childhood dream was to become addicted. What happens is that drugs slowly take over your life..and you lose control.

I guess when I ask the question, how high is too high, the answer is simple. Any high is too high. And when you couple it with the fact that he brought that drug into my fathers house, well then, its a no brainer. So as I stood over the toilet flushing away Alejandro's tiny little sack of drugs it struck me as ironic...because as I watched it go down the drain, I realized that my relationship had gone with it.

Catching some Zzzzzzz's

So, for several months now I've been suffering from bouts of insomnia. I can remember very specifically when it first started...it was the first day of my vacation in Texas. It was the beginning of March and I went to go visit my sister and her girlie's. I didnt sleep for the first 3 days that I was there. I may have dozed off here and there for 15 minutes or so, but for the most part I was wide awake. Well, on day one I was. But by day 3 I was feeling zombie like and it totally began affecting my attitude. This led to a big blow up with my sister on day 4, which Im sure was totally my fault. Thankfully, physical and mental exhaustion finally kicked in and I was able to sleep. After that, it seemed like I was okay for a week or so, but once I got home it started all over again. Although Im not sure it was technically insomnia since I was able to get 2-3 hours of sleep pretty much every night.

On a whim I looked on webmd to see if there were any recommendations for getting a good nights sleep. They recommended avoiding caffeine and not eating after 6pm..but the main thing that caught my eye was the information on depression. According to the article that I read, depression is one of the leading causes of sleep related issues.

I pretty much forgot about that once my sleep patterns began to become normal again. Until a few weeks ago. I think it started when my dad went to Washington to visit family. The only reason why I think it might have affected me is because I was alone. The few nights Alejandro stayed here with me helped..but when he was gone-hello insomnia! Yet even after my dad came home my sleep wasnt normal..I'm either up all night, maybe getting one or two hours of sleep or Im up all night and so tired during the day that I end up just laying around. There are times when I feel tired, but it seems like if I dont go to bed and shut off the tv right when I begin getting tired, the feeling seems to pass and I end up wide awake again.

When I was younger-oh hell, even 6 months ago, it was fun to stay up all night partying or hanging out. But being home in my comfy bed and not being able to sleep is not fun to me..and its really beginning to affect my health. Im sure its one of the reasons I seem to gain weight, I eat at all hours of the day, and then Im to tired to workout--even on the days when I actually want to. Plus, its messing up my emotional state as well. Im starting to have very high highs and very low lows-almost manic. I tried to talk to my doctor about it last week, but I was informed that in the managed health care system, she is only allotted 15 minutes with each patient...and she wanted me to make another appointment. Well, that's fine and dandy..but what am I supposed to do in the mean time?

Anyways, that's whats happening in my life right now. Nothing exciting, or even interesting. I'd love to hear some ideas on overcoming sleep issues, if anyone has any. But right now it's 2:16am and Im going to try to get some Zzzzzzzzzzz's.

Nervous Nelly

Nervous Nelly, thats me.

So, in 12 days Im going back to my home state of Washington for the first time in 12 years. Im super excited, but super nervous at the same time. 12 years is a long time to be gone from friends and family.

Im worried about what they're going to think of me and about me. I mean, I dont really have anything to show for my absence, except about 60 pounds. I dont have a great career, Im not married, and I dont have any children. In a way, Im worried that they might think that Im the big loser of the family--the black sheep.

Im wondering if I should make up some great story...should I give myself some great job with an important title? Should I invent a super wonderful, super romantic finance? Or should I go with the truth...yes, Im 35. No, I've never been married, no I dont have kids, oh, and Im unemployed. I think not! The truth sucks monkey balls!!

But at the same time, I dont want to have to lie about my life. Even though my life may not be perfect, it's still MY LIFE! So how about this-Yes, Im 35, No-I havent been married, but I've been in a long term relationship for the past 3 years...no kids yet, I want to own my own home first. Oh, my profession you ask? Well, I was laid off from my sales job in February-and it's a tough job market. It's basically all the truth, just phrased a little bit nicer.

So, I guess that's it. Ive decided to tell the truth. I might not be 100% comfortable in my own skin, but Im not going to lie about who I am, just to make people like me. One thing Ive learned about myself is this: No one is going to love me unless I love myself. And if my FRIENDS and FAMILY cant love me-or at least accept me, for the person I am..then it's their loss.

Im still nervous about going home, but Im super excited about seeing everyone. Like I said, 12 years is a long time!

Pretty Baubles!

So, its way early in the morning and Im not really sure why Im awake. Ok, really..it's not that early (its 6:30 am). ANYWAYS, since Im addicted to Twitter, one of the first things I did was log and and check out whats happening.

One of the updates that caught my eye immediately was one that said something like....she's red, she's hot and oh so charming! Obviously this peaked my interest and I clicked on the link. This took me to a great blog by Laughing Vixen Lounge (http://laughingvixenlounge.blogspot.com/), which then took me to her Esty store.

Right away I thought to myself, oh happy day! Her shop is filled with the cutest charm bracelets and pendant necklaces-with titles like-Audrey Hepburn Breakfast at Tiffany's Charm Bracelet and Vixen Goes to Paris Simple Charm Bracelet. Not only that, but you can also enter to win a pendant necklace or bubble bracelet of your choice..OMG- I hope I win!!I love, love, love this Esty store, and I love, love, love the Laughing Vixen Lounge!

So people, that is how my day began...bright and early and full of pretty baubles! **Let's hope the rest of my day is as great!**

Big Fat ME

Hmm...I think something is wrong with me psychologically. I mean, I drink alcohol, but I can control myself so that Im not an alcoholic. I have, in the past done drugs-but I chose to stop and never did them again. But when it comes to food, I just cant seem to control myself. I just shove food into my mouth--many times when Im not even hungry. I keep telling myself that Im on a diet, or that Im going on a diet, but when left alone to my own devices, I binge eat. I dont know what to do anymore. Im wondering if it is indeed something wrong in my head. Im thinking of talking to a psychologist or someone who specializes in eating disorders. I have got to do something. And I think its time for me to ask for help.

Hellloooooo

Wow!! Its been about a week since I last wrote and I do apologize. But it does leave me a whole lotta stuff to blog about. Lets start waaaayyy back on June 8th.

So, about two weeks ago, we had the dish network installed. Our installer was a big fat doofus. He had a shitty attitude and was beyond lazy. When told of our desire to have HD he flat out said no. So, we called the Dish Network and scheduled an upgrade for June 8. I prayed that it wasnt going to be the same guy because I was afraid that I might just kick his ass. Much to my delight we had a different guy- a much younger dude (23), but still big and fat. Anyways, long story short-I worked my magic on him and he asked for my number. The next day, June 9th we went out and it was fantastic. He took me to Dave and Busters and we had an amazing time. First great food-I had the chicken Cesar salad and a cape cod. Then we went upstairs to the game room where we battled it out and he ended up winning me a purple stuffed monkey. I named him Clyde. After gaming, since it was still pretty early, Cj took me to the drive in and we watched Angles and Demons. I had a fantastic time-I thought CJ was funny and nice and I hoped he would ask me out again.

On Wednesday, I was pretty down in the dumps. Thinking about my mom and all. So, I ended up going over to Alejandro's house-why Im not entirely sure. Just to make my self feel even shittier Im sure.

So Thursday was June 11th, and it was sooo hard for me. Exactly 3 years ago today my mom passed away. I tried to make myself sleep all day-and usually thats not to difficult. But much to my dismay it proved an impossible task. Cj-the cable guy, called me up about 4:30 and invited me over to watch movies. I guess I figured that laying around all day wasnt doing me any good, so I went. We started off by watching WipeOut-the 2 hour special that he dvr'd the night before. That show is hilarious-one day I want to be on it. Seriously. Anyways, after watching the show, we went to a Chinese Buffet and stuffed ourselves...so much for my diet! Then on the way back we stopped and rented MallCop. I stayed at his house for a couple hours watching the movie-it was funny, and talking some more before heading home. However, before I left he invited me to go to a going away party for his dad the next night. I guess his dad is moving to Alaska, lucky duck, and his family was getting together at a local bar. Anyone who knows me knows that I totally said yes. I was excited to go.

So Friday morning at 8am I had a doctor appointment. Basically it was to go over my blood work that I had done earlier in the week. (On Monday I had a well woman exam). After getting there at 7:30 for my appointment and waiting over half an hour to see my doctor, I was finally admitted into the exam room. There my nurse, who is actually pretty nice, took my bp and temperature and proceeds to tell me that the Dr herself wants to go over my results with me. Then, I waited another 45 minutes for Dr. Joshi!! Talk about freaking me out!!! Anyways, she comes in and tells me everything is fine-except my cholesterol level. Apparently its 291 and it should be around 150. Almost double. Oops, I guess here is where I should tell you that on the day of my original appointment I was supposed to fast 24 hours prior to the appointment. Well, thinking that I know everything and that the doctor wouldnt possibly know, I stopped at McDonalds on the way and had 2 sausage mcmuffins. Im 99.999% sure that this is what screwed up my results-but do I confess, no f'in way!!! So now I have to take a cholesterol medicine for 3 months. How stupid am I??? LOL!

So later on that day, Cj calls me and tells me to meet him at his house at 6pm. Then we would go together in his car to the bar. But then about 3ish, he calls and says he's in Gilbert and as soon as he gets home he'll call me to meet him. Well, about 7:00 Im pissed and Im like, you know what-fuck him. So I go over to my friend Kristina's house just to chill. Then around 7:30 Alejandro calls me and totally bitches me out for being over there! As if!! He can go over to his stupid pretend cousins house whenever he feels like it, but I cant go anywhere? I think not. Finally about 8:15 Cj calls and wants to know if I still want to go. I do and I dont, but since im super pissed at Alejandro and looking really cute, I end up going and we finally get to the bar around 9:30. Needless to say, everyone is already shit faced. We end up having a couple of drinks then going over to his aunts house and drinking some more. Maybe around midnight or so, we leave and go back to his house. Since Im kinda drunk at this point I stay the night. What a mistake that was. Even though Cj is smart enough to respect the fact that were not going to screw, it was still uncomfortable. And OMG-he snores louder than anyone Ive ever known--including myself. It was so awful. The next morning I left at 6:00 am.

Saturday I spent laying around, hoping that Cj would call me--but the only calls I got were from Alejandro talking shit to me. Even uglier shit than usual because he's shit faced, fall down drunk.

On Sunday I was awaken by my phone ringing off the hook and Alejandro even drunker than usual spewing more ugliness at me. Finally around 6 Cj texts me and hits me with this gem "hey babe-just thinkin of u. Sorry its not gonna work,u dont put out." Sweet!! I got dumped via text by a moron. Cool beans--not!

Feeling dejected and lonely, I decide to try once again to make things work with Alejandro. He called me at 5:30am Monday morning and we made plans to get together and talk that afternoon. He was also supposed to give me money for my cell phone bill. So, being the nice person that I am, I go over to his house around 2:00 and do his laundry. He normally gets home around 7, by 8:30 when he's not home yet I break down and call him. Basically he starts yelling at me telling me he'll be home soon, but in the background I can hear people and I know that he's at his stupid ass good for nothing pretend cousins house. And then I say to myself, "You know what Jennifer, you cant do this yourself. You cant make someone love you and you know that. Pick up your dignity and leave-and more importantly, dont look back."

So, now your up to date on my life. My diets completely off track-but Im trying to get it back on. Oh, Im going on vacation soon. Im leaving June 30th for Washington-length of vacation, unknown. Basically, as long as I want. Which on the advice of my very best friend-is a good thing. Im going to look at it as a chance to start over. Im not moving, but Im leaving Alejandro and all the other bums I know behind. Oh yeah, and Im changing my cell phone number so that I dont have to have anymore ugly phone calls from Alejandro.

Im excited. Im happy. And, Im ready to move on.

Water For The World

http://www.one.org/us/waterfortheworld/index.html

Help provide 100 million people with first-time, sustainable access to clean water and sanitation.

For us, water is something that we take for granted. We just turn on the tap and its there. But more than 100 MILLION people world wide don't even have clean water to drink,much less bathe in, wash dishes in, etc. Please help me help them by signing this petition. Thanks, Jennifer

Pobre Juan

This is my all time favorite favorite song. It's super sad, but undoubtedly a true story based on hundreds, if not thousands of people's lives. No one, whether white, black, Hispanic, Asian, or Indian should have to die trying to provide a better life for themselves and/or their family. Period.

Blue days

When I first started my blog...(what 6 days ago?) I had planned on writing something everyday. But I think that right now, its not going to happen. Were just 4 short days away from the anniversary of my mom's passing and I'm just not in the mood to sit here and blog about my life. But that doesn't mean that I'm giving it up...just give me some time to deal with the emotional stuff that's welling up and I'll be back.

WTF?!?!?

So, just like the other day, I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Right now I'm in a pretty pissy mood. I just weighed myself and according to my scale, Ive gained 1.5lbs. All I can say about this is WHAT THE FUCK??!!?? I mean, seriously why should I bother being on a diet when I gain weight? I feel like I'm hungry all the fucking time and my muscles are sore from working out..I just don't know. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor to see about some alternatives..like diet pills, or even better gastric bypass. Anyways, I'm grumpy and tired (ooh, I sound like 2 of Snow Whites dwarf's)so I'm going to call it a night.

Day 3

So, I guess its officially day 3 of my diet-redo and I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm definitely staying within my point range, which is 32, and I've worked out a couple of times.

I would say that things are going well, with the exception that I'm starving all the time. Its times like these (1am and I cant sleep)when I would kill for some ice cream or chips or something snacky. I settled for some special k with skim milk, midnight snacks are a big no-no, but at least I kept it fairly healthy.

In just these past couple of days I've learned that I am the kind of person who is an emotional eater. Also, I get the munchies when I'm bored. Like today when the TV was down for 4 freaking hours while the Dish network was being installed by a total asshole. I can only mess around on the computer for so long before I start going nutso and I was bored to death. That probably would have been the perfect opportunity for me to get a mini workout in but to be honest, I was to damn lazy.

So, as I begin day 4 I'm going to try a few things differently. For one, I'm not going to take a mid afternoon nap..this will hopefully eliminate the midnight snacking issue. For two, I'm going to try my very hardest not to become to emotional today. I have a tendency of getting my feelings hurt very easily which makes me depressed which then leads to the quart of ice cream to sooth my pain. And for three, I'm going to try to be a little more active in my everyday life...besides just going to the gym. I'm making it a personal goal today to walk for 15-20 minutes in addition to working out.

I'm you know, getting old..and I am not going to lie to myself anymore. I need to succeed with my new healthy lifestyle and I have the support that I need, I just need to get to the point where I believe in myself. I wonder how long it takes to get there.

Used up

Im going to keep this short and to the point. To everyone who pretended to be my friend...adios. I dont need to buy your friendships anymore. Im a grown up and I dont need you. But let me leave you with this...you need me. I was the only true friend that you had. Sorry you never figured it out, but i guess it sucks to be you. As far as apologizing, dont bother. Im over it, and over you.

Day 1 of many, many, many more.

So this is my first blog, and I'm finding it amazingly difficult to write about myself. I titled it "Day one of many, many, many more" and it serves more than just one purpose. I mean obviously it refers to this blog, but it also refers to day one of my new lifestyle.

Ive tried a zillion diets and they don't work, so that's why I'm going to change not only what I eat, but also how I live-hence the term, lifestyle. Everyone who knows me knows that I am self admittedly Lazy with a capital L. And its true. I hate almost everything that requires to much energy. And don't get me started on sweating...gross!! As a matter of fact, I almost didn't graduate high school in time because I didn't have the required number of gym credits. Thankfully, I had a butt load of other credits and they let me just skate on by.

In addition to actually working out, Ive decided to try the Points program by Weight Watchers..well, kinda. To be honest, I don't really think that I could deal with actually going to the meetings and being weighed-in front of people. So, I went online-google is a wonderful thing-and found the formula for not only my point allowance (I get 32 BTW), but the much harder to find activity point conversion formula. I guess having the support from others in the group might be helpful, but since I have a hard time talking to people I don't know, I'm not sure that would be of use to me. So I'm making my own support group, here online. Right now, I'm the only one in it, but no one out there will be a bigger cheerleader for me.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I still subscribe to the "I am who I am..take it or leave it" motto, but I'm also going to add the tag line "A work in progress" to it..because when you think about it..that's what we really all are.

P.S.-Day one totals-32 food points, no activity points
B:Special K, skim milk, raisins-13 points(way to many)
L:Tomato soup, whole wheat pasta-9 points
D:Left over soup from lunch-9 points
64oz water, 2 12oz diet cokes