Is it me?

Right now Im sitting in my room, boxing up my stuff and getting ready for the big move. But as I sit here packing I wonder to myself-why am i doing this alone? Maybe its just me, but if a friend of mine was moving many states away I'd want to be hanging out with them, maybe helping them pack-but definately keeping them company and enjoying the limited time we have left to be friends. Its very disturbing to realize that I actually have no friends. I know, I know, Ive blogged about this before, real life friends vs online friends...but when it all comes down to it a friend is a friend and I have absolutely NONE, unless of course some one needs a ride somewhere or needs me to do a favor. Im not so self absorbed that I think that its everyone elses fault, I accept the fact that I have no friends and its my fault. But what I dont understand is why. I think Im a pretty nice person, I think I treat people well, I think that Im fun to be around-but obviously Im not. I have no idea whatsoever what Im doing wrong and thats the hardest part to deal with. If I dont know what the problem is, how can I work on changing it. Trust me-Im not here boo-hooing and why me-ing but I am wondering "whats wrong with me?"

Yay Me!

So...I FINALLY found a job! Yay me!! In all of the 20 years that Ive been working Ive never ever had this much trouble finding work! I was telling my friend Nora that I bet an ex-con on parole for murder would have had an easier time finding something...seriously, thats how hard it was. But the cool thing about where Im going to be working is that its a chain, so once I move to Washington I should be able to transfer with no problem. Actually, I was telling my dad about my idea to transfer and I told him that I'll probably have to be with the company for at least 6 months before I can do it, and he shocks my by telling me that he's 100% certain that we'll be moved long before my 6 months is up! So its a double-y good day for me! And you know me...that made me cheesy happy--but anyone who's read my blog knows how my dad is....if he says 6 months that probably means 12-but we'll just wait and see!

Tidal waves.

Whoa!!! Ive just been hit by a tidal wave of emotion. Right now Im full on teary eyed and suffering from a massive hole in my heart thats been caused by distance.

Im pretty sure that everyone knows that my mom passed away just over 3 years ago. The pain of losing her is a constant in my life, and I have my good days and my bad days. People who told me that it gets easier as time goes by were sorely mistaken-it never gets easier, never.  But Im learning to deal with it.

Anyways, todays reason for my emotional rollercoaster was caused by my sister. She lives in Texas with the three people who I love more than life itself-my nieces...aka: my girlies, my boo's, my everythings. I suddenly realized that I havent seen them in 7 months. But whats worse than that is that I havent even spoken to them in weeks. Maybe its selfish of me, okay-Im certain that it is-but Im afraid that they are going to forget about their Auntie. Kids grow up so fast and not being able to see them regularly is tough enough, but not hearing their voices is heartbreaking!

So basically, my saddness is comming from my own selfish desires to be loved, and remembered...but more importantly, it comes from my need to never let those three precious girls think that their Auntie doesnt love and miss them. And now I realize that Ive got to do anything I can to make sure that doesnt happen. Since we have those gaps in time together I think I need to fill in those voids with as many cards, letters and emails as it takes to keep me on their mind--and more importantly in their hearts, always.

What a sack of shit!

     Omg!! I should start re-reading what I write before I post it. That last update I did was total crap!!

     Here's what I should have written, but didnt:

     Ive been super lazy and a little self destructive and havent done a damn thing since my last post. Ive looked for a job here and there, but basically Ive been laying around waiting for one to just fall into my lap. Until today that is. Today I got my ass out of bed bright and early and actually went looking for places that were hiring. I filled out a dozen or so applications today alone and will do the same thing tomorrow and the next day and so on until I finally find something. I guess you could say that Im being pro-active now. And its about damn time, isnt it?!? (Its okay to agree with me)...Ive had 35 long years to realize this, but its only recently occoured to me that life is what you make it. And as of yet, I havent made anything of myself...but that is not the person that I want to be. I might not ever be famous or important, but I promise you this (no, screw you...I promise myself this) I will be a productive member or society-not just some lazy sack of skin that wastes time and contributes nothing.
     So there you go. Thats the real deal, and thats whats happenning here. I guess I could go back and delete that last post, but Im not going to. Im just going to leave it there as a reminder that if nothing else I have to be honest with myself.

Why does every update need a freakin' title?

     Wow! Its been weeks and weeks since I last updated my blog...even though I promised to not let that happen anymore. I guess I could lie and make up excuses as to why it happened (again) but why the hell should I? Right?!? I mean, its my damn blog-and I can do what ever the hell I want. Dang, that sounded like a whiney little kid-didnt it? Anyways, you know what I mean. The last place Im going to waste a lie is here-because there is absolutely no reason to.

     So, onto whats happening in my life.              <------Notice that big empty spot? Thats right...not a thing has happened or is happening right now. Seriously. Sometimes I feel like life is just passing me by, and I guess in reality, it is. Im just so stuck right now, and the more time that passes, the more wedged into this spot I become. I had been telling myself, 'Well, once you move things will change', and I suppose they will. But what I just realized today was why do I have to wait until then? I think sometimes I let myself just 'pass the time' because its easier than to actually do something. I could spend hours and hours psycho-analyzing myself and trying to figure out why I do the things I do, but Ive been there/done that and it hasnt done a bit of good. What Im beginning to realize is that I really dont know who I am, and how can I change and move past this until I understand who the real Jennifer is...not just on the surface, but deep down...the real me. How Ive made it 35 years without knowing that is beyond me, but I think I need to get a grip and figure that shit out-and quickly. I mean, I only have one life to live and Im tired of wasting it. I definitely can not live another 35 like this-well, I guess I could...but I refuse to.
     There ya go. Theres the update on my life and now you see why Ive decided that this little grouping of words isnt worthy of a title.