A Whole New Me....

It's been a little over a week since I've updated you on my big move, and I'm sorry for that. But once I actually got here my number one priority was and is to find a job. I'm super happy to be here, I feel like its a second chance at my life and I'm not going to let anyone who cares about me down. I feel like a whole new me :)

FrancoLandia

Everyone who reads my blog knows what a rough year I've had friendship wise. But I finally accepted the fact that people change and that sometimes friendships die. I was excited to be moving, not sad at all about leaving people from my past behind. And then I check my email. The last thing I expected to see was an email from a person who was my best friend for years. I've lived with her family from time to time and I was closer to her than anyone else in my life. For reasons that are best left unsaid, her and I had a falling out a while ago which finally blew up into a confrontation on the street and almost ended up with us physically fighting. For me that's when I was done. I knew then that our friendship was over...and it was like a bad breakup. We couldn't be in the same room at the same time, and sadly that forced mutual friends to take sides. Anyways, the point is that she was my friend, and then she wasn't and I had finally come to terms with it. And then she emails me a letter saying good-bye. She wrote about how she misses me as a friend and about how she thinks about me all the time. She said she wishes she understood why things happened the way they did and then she said-"I'm sorry." Up until then I was OK, but those two words opened up the wound and broke my heart all over again. I miss the good times that we had. I miss the laughter and the tears. I miss her family and more than anything I miss her. And now I'm sad. I have less than 3 days until I leave and I don't know if I'm going to have time to see her one more time. I want the chance to see her face to face so I can tell her that I'm sorry too. But whether I see her again or not, I now know two things for sure: 1.) She will always be a part of me. I am who I am because of the time that we were friends and 2.) True friendships never end. They have their up's and downs and good times and bad but they never, ever end. A friend is a friend...and a friendship like the one that we shared is a friendship forever.

Counting down.........

4 Days, 13 Hours, and 28 Minutes until I leave for Washington.

In no particular order...

Last time I went back to Washington was a year and a half ago. It was my first visit back since I moved from there more than ten years ago. I was so excited to go home and since I had 6 weeks to visit I figured I had plenty of time to do everything that I wanted. I did get to see my family and I did love every single moment that I spent with them, but after I came back to Arizona I wished that I would have done more. So this time Ive started a list called "Things to do while I'm in Washington..in no particular order" and Ive already listed 23 different things. While I was editing my list a little earlier I started thinking about my trip differently. Instead of just going for 3 months in my heart I feel like I'm moving back permanently. My plan was to go up there and get a job and I'm thinking-why would I work so hard to get a job and then just quit after 3 months? Its ridiculous. So at this point (5 days and 14 hours until I leave) I'm in a state of super excited-ness and super confusion. I guess the old saying is true....only time will tell. 

Believe...

~~~I BELIEVE~~~

I believe- That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe- That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, and I’m not there yet.
I believe- That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe- That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe- That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe- That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe- That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe- That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

Let the countdown begin!!

So, remember the other day when I got a butt-load of letters from the dmv? Well the very next day I went to court at 7am to try and get things straightened out, and surprisingly things went pretty good. The judge was very nice and allowed me to present proof that I had insurance when I was pulled over. That right there knocked off $1200 of my fine. He also lifted the mandatory suspension of my license...which is great, although its still technically suspended. On Monday I have to go back and pay $192.88 to clear the final ticket and clear all suspensions on my license. After that I'm headed off to the dmv to get a new drivers license (since the police man took mine) and viola! all is good in the neighborhood.
     That being said I'm sure your all expecting me to completely change my plans and go back to my old ways, but SURPRISE-your wrong. After taking care of my ticket on Monday I will be buying my ticket to Washington, and perhaps my new life.So folks, let the countdown begin!!!

What a difference a day makes....

Today I got not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 5 letters in the mail from the dmv. Let me tell you people...when you get 5 letters in the mail on the same day from the same place it ain't going to be pretty. So in a nutshell I have to go to court tomorrow to get a court date (?!? I know, it makes no sense at all) to plead guilty to driving with a suspended drivers license. And on top of that, even if I paid my fine then and there my license is suspended until at least April 2011.  It sucks monkey balls, but I really cant complain because to be honest its completely and totally 100% my fault. (But that's a story for a different day.) Anyways, the silver lining to my story is that I'm going out of town for a couple of months. Not necessarily on a vacation, but to re-evaluate my life. I'm headed up north to my home state of Washington and I'm going to be staying with my Aunt Shirley. We have loads of fun together and I'm excited to be going. The only thing that I'm going to miss about this God forsaken state are my Dad and my chihuahua Chico. Adios ex-friends, adios ex-boyfriends, adios Alejandro, adios-adios-adios!

Save some rain and snow for me!!

Life without my car totally sucks monkey balls, so I think I'm going to take my Aunt up on her offer to come up for a visit. I don't have anything going on here anyways. Alejandro is all talk no action and my "supposed" friends have finally quit their charades. Whether its because I have no job, money or car I don't know and I can honestly say that I don't care anymore. I'm soooo over them. Anyways, this makes my decision to go on a mini-vacay even easier. Up in Washington I have family..and friends who love me and miss me. The only thing that even keeps me here is my dad. The thought of him living in this house, in this city in this state with out a single family member with in 1000 miles breaks my heart and I wont do that to him. So that settles it...in a couple of weeks I'm headed up north for a little break. I hope that it rains the entire time Im there-or even better, snows a little! And with a little luck, my dad will realize how much he missed the Northwest and he'll finally decide to move back. Fingers crossed!!

Can I get some zzzzzzzzz's please?

     Oh man. It seems like my evil enemy insomnia is back...and she's still a total B-I-T-C-H! I'm not sure what is causing it, but I think I have a pretty good idea. When I was with Alejandro we'd typically go to bed at 7:00 on a weeknight. I know, I know--7! But when you have to get up at 5 am (or earlier) 7 isn't so early. Anyways,  he'd always fall asleep during the first novella. I usually would stay up and watch the next one too, but definitely by 9:30 I'd be out. But here at home with no one to sleep next to and nothing to do I stay up all night watching TV.
     Yes, that's right...I believe TV is causing my insomnia. Okay, okay...its not so much the TV but more like my inability to turn the damn thing off. I think in order for me to get some zzzz's I'm going to have to actually take the TV out of my room and have the cable disconnected. Or I could just take the batteries out of the remote, because as we all know-I'm to damn lazy to get up and CHANGE THE CHANNEL!
     Anyways, I gotta for now...Storage Wars is comming on and well, its my new addiction. Toodles!

My 2010 Journey...

Time for a little editing!

I used to call my blog "The World According to ME", but its time for something new so Im changing it to "Jennifer...a work in progress." Which is what I am...a work in progress. Toodles!!

Things I Learned About Myself In 2010...

 1. I am not a nice person.
 2. I am selfish.
 3. The people I previously thought were friends are total bitches who are also selfish and not nice.
 4. I am getting old.
 5. I love my dad, my sister and my girlies more than life itself.
 6. As much as I wish he was, Alejandro is not the man for me.
 7. I am super fat.
 8. I get my feelings hurt way to easily.
 9. I cry way to much...see #8.
10. I dont like who I have become.

You think you got problems??? Well at least you know what they are.

I've always thought of myself as a nice, kind, good person, and a great friend. I've always gone out of my way to make sure that people know that I like them for who they are, not for what they have. And to make sure that they knew it when ever I visited I always made sure that I paid for everything...just because I never wanted anyone to feel used.  It never, ever occurred to me that by doing this I was opening the door for people to just use me. It never once thought that the reason people invited me over to hang out or to go do something was because they knew that Jennifer Moneybags would make sure that everyone had a good time. I truly thought that it was because they liked me. 
So it sucks for me to finally admit that my old friend Corrina was right when she said that some people 'mistake kindness for weakness and they will use it against you'. Now that Ive officially become broke ass Jennifer the list of contacts in my phone is drying up. A while ago I started going through my phonebook and deleting everyone who hasn't contacted me in the last few months. I've also deleted everyone who promises to call me back, is never around when I need a favor, or who only reaches out to me when they need something. I've literally edited 90% of the people I once considered friends. But other than greatly reducing the number of minutes I use each month on my phone it hasn't done a damn thing to make me feel better. In fact, I feel really shitty about everything. Basically, I was paying people to be my friend. I mean how lame is that? And to top it off my all ready low self esteem has plummeted to depths that I didn't even know existed. I've opened up a huge emotional can of worms that I'm struggling with.  I don't know who I am anymore. And worse than that is not knowing how to use this as a growing experience and let it shape me into a better person when I thought all along that I was a good person. I'm constantly wondering whats wrong with me. Am I so horrible of a person that it was only tolerable to around if I was picking up the Tab? If so, then what do I do to become a better person...and if not, then what WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

Thanks Shelby!

"You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." --Shelby Nilsen

Thanks Shelby..that was all the inspiration that I needed to get myself back on track.

Hey, pass the sugar!

      I'm doing pretty good (if I do say so myself) on my plan to eliminate soda from my life. I'm on day 5 and haven't cheated at all. Ive probably been drinking 5 or 6 bottles of water (20 oz) a day--and trust me, Ive been peeing ALOT! But tonight as I was watching Big Brother I realized that Ive kicked one bad habit and replaced it with 2 others. Yeah, that's right..2!! others. I've started drinking hot tea like its going out of style. And, I'm popping sunflower seeds one right after another. I guess drinking tea isn't that bad-unless you add 4 packets of sugar like I do. And the seeds wouldn't be that bad if they weren't covered in salt...and if I only ate a small hand full.
     So, now I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying to be healthier, but I still have 'issues'. I guess the best thing to do for now is to just keep doing what Ive been doing--(no smart asses, not give up!). I think in the long run its better for me to be soda free. Maybe in a week or two I'll tackle one of my two new addictions...but until then-where the hell are my seeds?

Hello, hello, hello....is she dead or what?!?

Its day three in my new life without soda and...IM DYING! That's all I can say right now. Stay tuned for more updates.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 65th birthday. She died 4 years ago and not a day goes by where I dont think of her and miss her. People say that it gets easier with time, but it sure hasnt gotten easier for me. I mean, Im not a crying mess all the time any more, but I do have my moments-my days, where I just miss her so much that I cant stop crying. Especially on important days, and anniversary's of events. And yes, I still talk to her. I talk to her on almost a daily basis..if for no other reason than to say, "I love you".

So on this day, the day that my mom would have celebrated her birthday, I want to take this opportunity to warn all of my readers of the hazards of smoking. My mom died of COPD-which is chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder. Basically its emphysema and even though she had other health problems that may not have been caused by smoking, smoking certainly made it worse--and eventually took her from her loved ones way before she was ready to go. People call cigarettes cancer sticks for a reason and I ask you, no I beg you all to quit smoking right now. I know that it will be hard, and ok-your going to be really grumpy for a week or so, but I promise you this--no one will remember how much of an asshole you were for that week. Your loved ones will only remember how much you love them and how you did this for them. I know that my mom wouldnt have wanted to pass away at the early age of 60. She was so young and had so much life left to live--but the cancer sticks took her...please dont let your family and friends go through the agony of losing you to early. They love you and they want you to be in their lives. Just as much as I loved my mom and wish that she could still be here with me in my life.

***This is the same post I wrote one year ago today. It perfectly expresses how I feel so I just re-posted it. Hope you dont mind.

The first step is always the hardest.

Ive heard that the first step in recovery is to admit that your an addict...so here goes. 'Hello. My name is Jennifer and Im an addict. Im addicted to Diet Coke and I need help.' I thought I had my habit under control until I realized that Im drinking (on average) five 12oz cans per day. Thats 60 ounces of soda! And it is not acceptable anymore. Supposedly Diet Coke has 0 calories but I have a suspicion that in reality its not as diet-y as it claims to be.


So, here's the plan. I have 4 cans of soda left and when that's gone (which if history repeats itself like it usually does I should be out tomorrow) Im off soda. For good. I hope. I have a feeling that the first few days are going to be tough-probably more so for those around me...but once I get through the withdrawls it should be easy peazy-right?
 

Im baaaaacccckkk!

     I'd say that over the last 8 months Ive thought about my blog maybe 3 times. Seriously, I pretty much forgot all about it until about a week ago. I was looking at the profile of one of my Tweeps and  noticed that he had a blog. After checking it out (and stealing one of his quotes and posting it as my own on Facebook) I decided that it was about damn time I started writing mine again. Not that Im under the impression that Im important or that what I have to say matters, but what the fuck...it matters to me.
     Anyways, I still dont have any freakin' idea about blog design or html (what the fuck is that?) so Im going to spend tonight TRYING to fix my ugly background and maybe re-organize a few things, and then-watch out baby....because I'm baaaaaccccckkkk! 

All Fucked Up

All Fucked Up - Everclear

I am all fucked up

And I am ready to break

I don't wanna be the guy

Who is always on the outside

I wanna find my own

good place

All fucked up

And I don't know how

How I ever got to where I feel

Like I am dying on the inside

I want to be happy

But I don't know how

I am all fucked up

And it's always the same

I always get so close,

Then I let it get away

I got no one but

myself to blame

I'm all fucked up

And I don't know why

If the rest of my life

Is going to be like this

Think I would rather die

I am all fucked up

Yes, I am all fucked up

You're happy

when you are all fucked up

Yes, I am all fucked up

I am all fucked up

Yes, I am ready to break

I don't wanna be the guy

Who is always on the outside

I wanna find my own

good place

All fucked up

And I don't know how

How I ever got to where I feel

Like I'm dying on the inside

I want to be happy now

I am all fucked up

And it is always the same

I always get so close

then I let it get away

I got no one but

myself to blame

I am all fucked up

And I don't know why

If the rest of my life

Is going to be like this

Than I think I would rather die

I am all fucked up